I get ready for our night out. My black leather collar with rhinestones is the centerpiece of my outfit. He comes up behind me, pressing himself into my ass. “I’m fucking him tonight, and I’m so excited for you to fuck me afterwards,” I whisper to him. He moans excitedly, anxious for the action to begin.
Hotwifing is a less-well known subculture within nonmonogamy, although the number of those who ascribe to the lifestyle seems to be great. David Ley’s Insatiable Wives offers some empirical support for the size of the community, and the array of relationships within it.
A “hotwife” refers to a woman in a partnered couple who has sexual encounters with other men. The dynamic usually looks like this: The husband/primary male partner is highly turned on by his wife’s/female partner’s sexual escapades, and derives pleasure and arousal from her exercising her sexual autonomy and from the image/thought/knowledge of another man having sex with her.
I am a hotwife. I revel in finding other sexy men who will get in bed with me. It turns both my primary partner and I on- it is probably our top turn-on as a couple. We both become insanely aroused thinking about another man’s cock in my pussy, and even though I always use condoms with other male partners, our top fantasy is about me having condom-free sex with other men.
If I’m a hotwife, isn’t my husband a cuckold?
A “cuckold” is a man that enjoys the dominance/submission power relationship between himself and his female partner. Often, the cuckold likes to be belittled, humiliated, or otherwise made to feel powerless. To capitalize on this power dynamic, the female partner has sexual encounters with other men. The male partner’s pleasure and satisfaction comes from the power dynamic between himself and his partner.
My primary partner hates the idea of being humiliated. It is a complete turn-off for him. I would feel bad humiliating my partner, but perhaps not if I knew he enjoyed it. I could see enjoying forcing him to be submissive if he was turned on by this kind of power dynamic.
A “bull” is the term commonly ascribed to the other man in the scenario, the person that the hotwife has the sexual encounter with.
We are always searching for hot bulls. My ideal is to have at least one, and ideally more, regular bulls: men I can see on a regular to semi-regular basis for sexual encounters. One in particular I have seen a couple of times, and I’m seeing him again tonight. We’re meeting at our swingers’ club for drinks, flirting, and more…
Thus, “cuckolding” is more about the power exchange and relationship (as in other kinds of BDSM relationships) while “hotwifing” in general often lacks this element. Many mainstream articles conflate these two ideas. A man may derive intense sexual satisfaction from his partner having independent sexual escapades, but be completely horrified at the idea of being humiliated by his female partner and/or bull. However, another man may only enjoy such escapades if he is also humiliated, forced to “clean up” the woman after her sexual encounter, or otherwise made to feel inferior to the bull.
How does matriarchy and patriarchy influence and subvert these lifestyles?
Interestingly, many stories of real-life hotwives and their partners, found online in forums and other communities (see sub-Reddits like r/hotwife, r/cuckold, and r/slutwives; the site ourhotwives.org; and forums and groups on Fetlife), discuss the beginning of the hotwife relationship as instigated by “insatiable” female partners and reluctant male partners.
Soon, the male partner discovers his own attraction to the encounters, amidst shame and guilt related to experiences that run counter to the dominant discourse of masculinity and patriarchy. Sometimes, male partners who have fantasies about their female partners with other men try to instigate these relationships; it appears that hotwife relationships started in this way are slower to evolve. In fact, they may never evolve. Many men who write in these blogs and forums want hotwives and don’t even know where to start in creating a hotwife relationship.
My partner and I first discovered this amazing well of desire during our first MFM threesome. The intensity and chemistry I experienced with both of these men led to an explosive experience. That heat, intensity, and chemistry drives the hotwifing component of our relationship. My first solo experience with another man was a completely casual encounter I set up through Craigslist while we were on vacation in Maui. This experience stoked our fire in such an unbelievable way: it was like another Pandora’s box was opened within our Pandora’s box of open relationships. A black vortex of fire and desire was reignited in both of us, once again.
Non-monogamous relationships allow both men and women the chance to subvert the system of patriarchy, through women voicing their own desires for relationship structure and giving themselves the same freedom in sex and love that men have given themselves over the past thousands of years. Hotwifing and cuckold relationships are yet other possible components of non-monogamous relationships that allow women the opportunity to capitalize on an ideology of matriarchy, of assuming their full sexual desire and power in relationships. These relationship dynamics also allow men to subvert patriarchy and the system’s tenets of ownership, domination, and control of women, giving preference and desire for a powerful woman.
I am with my bull, and my primary is watching through the window of a private room at our swingers’ club. I am fucking him, he is fucking me. His dominant energy consumes me. I scream and moan, begging for his come. Later, my partner and I fuck, while I whisper to him about the encounter, and he relishes every detail. I feel sexy, powerful, in control, and insatiable.
The tenets of a hotwifing relationship follow those espoused for open and polyamorous relationships in general. David Ley offers this gem at the end of his book:
“One might suggest that these couples are playing with fire, a hot, green fire, whose flames are jealousy, envy, and possessiveness….But, these couples may be like the people who walk across hot coals, and find that so long as they keep moving, the coals do not transmit enough heat to burn them. Pursuit of sexuality outside a marriage, through cuckoldry or hotwifing, is not inherently unhealthy. These couples can be successful, so long as they keep moving, keep communicating, maintain a healthy relationship, and acknowledge those flames of jealousy and envy as cues and signals, not as obstacles. There is nothing different in this from any other relationship. The things these couples do to remain healthy are the same things any couple should do. Health in relationships is determined not by what a couple does together, but how they communicate with each other, how they treat each other, and how they work together to maintain a functioning, mutually beneficial relationship. Communication, freedom, support, and mutual regard are the key components to any healthy relationship, regardless of sexual behaviors” (p. 271).
Like our open/polyamorous relationship in general, the success of our hotwife encounters depends on self-awareness, good communication, time management, and consent. I must know what I want, my primary partner must know what he wants, and I must also know what any bull of mine wants. Given these ground rules, my hotwife encounters are usually so hot, satisfying, and pleasurable that they quench our thirst for only a minute, until we both want more.